How to get rid of a priest


Father Bob Maguire had a visit from Bishop Denis.  The bish had a letter telling Bobby babes it was time to retire.  You know priest have to retire when they reach 75.  Unless you’re a pope, then you get to stay until your dead.  Even then they dress you up and put you on show for a few days before sticking you in a lead lined coffin under that vatican.

I don’t know what Father Bob’s story is.  I do know he’s been a Melbourne icon for years now.  He’s one of those outlandish outspoken priests who says what needs to be said.

I don’t think the bish has gone far enough.  He really needs a few more letters to deliver to priests he wants to get rid of.  In fact, I think I could write a letter that he could deliver to all the priests.

Dearest Father {mailmerge field}

As you know, it has now been proven beyond a doubt that there is no god, so looks like you’re out of a job.  You have wasted a great deal of your life reading from the bible and delivering sermons to your parish.  I’m surprised it never occured to you how stupid it sounds to suggest that god sent his only son to pay for the sins of his people, and he did this by getting nailed to a stick, but then arose from the dead a couple of days later.  How bad is that.

It was good while it lasted.  We are now going to conduct a fire sale of all church properties and the proceeds will be given back to all the sheep who have given so generously over the years.  They can decide how to spend that windfall.

I’ve had several offers on the cathedral all ready.  It sounds like the local gay club would like to set up a sex on site venue, apparently it can be made into lots of nooks and crannies ideal for cruising.  They specifically want to keep all the costumes for theme nights, and the big cross will come in handy for BDSM nights.  They’ve even offered to keep on some of the staff.  I’m sure they’ll feel right at home.

If any of your previous flock should come calling, resist the urge to tell them to pray,  suggest that now they have a few extra hours in the week that they should go and do something useful.  Like help other people.

Bible and pew burnings will be held on the first Friday of every month, it’s hoping that we may be able to generate some power to offset the hot air that we’ve been generating.  Please do not throw incense on the fires, it just pisses people off.

You are welcome to consume all left over wafers and altar wine, it tastes like crap and NQR Supermarkets did not want to touch it.

All of the nuns have been given a special deal on  RSVP where they can send up to 40 winks a night.  Most of them will not be taking their habits with them.

I will be vacating my palace at the end of the month, with its 100 bedrooms, it will be made into a bed and breakfast for homeless people and all the gold crosses and silver chalices will be sold off to fund it.  I’ll be retraining to be either a real estate agent or car salesman, the insurance industry didn’t want to know about me.

Yours in Christ Nothingness

The Bish.

There, copy that 1,000 times and have it in the email by tomorrow morning.  Oh, its such a wonderful idea my fur is standing on end.  That’s quite a nice feeling really.

Oh, and best of luck Bob.  I hope your good and faithful employer will look after you after so many years of service.

This entry was posted in religion.

One Response to How to get rid of a priest

  1. Mikey Bear says:

    Any coincidence you spelt Denis like Penis?