The Queen


The Queen – you know the one, her Maj with the Vag, she’s in town.  I’m moist with excitement.

Suddenly the politicians are falling over each other, trying to touch her private bits that not even Phil is allowed near.  Just how do you treat Her Maj with the Vag?  There’s uproar around the place because our PM didn’t tug her dress to the side while doing a little knee bending.

But today’s special honour goes to Tony ‘the Rabbit’ Abbott, leader of Her Maj with the Vag Opposition.  He made a speech.  He said this, out loud, in front of everyone.

The Crown has been a symbol of stability and continuity because it has adapted to the changing times….because it is a sign that ancient institutions need not be anachronisms.

What was that word?
anachronisms plural of a·nach·ro·nism (Noun)

  1. A thing belonging or appropriate to a period other than that in which it exists, esp. a thing that is conspicuously old-fashioned.
  2. An act of attributing a custom, event, or object to a period to which it does not belong.

What else might that apply to Rabbit?  Let’s say marriage? So, let’s requote him:

Marriage has been a symbol of stability and continuity because it has adapted to the changing times….because it is a sign that ancient institutions need not be anachronisms.

Great, Tony is all for ensuring that our ancient institutions keep up with modern times, so we can expect his support for marriage equality any moment now.

So, what else did the rabbit have to say?

Your Majesty, Your Royal Highness, Prime Minister, Ladies and Gentlemen.

Strong start, perhaps you could loosen up a bit, so formal, what about “Lizzy, Philly, Julia and the rest of you rabble”

It is indeed an honour to join the Prime Minister with her most eloquent welcome to the Queen and the Duke of Edinburgh on their 16th visit to our country.

Was that tongue in cheek Tony?

Your Majesty, while 11 Australian prime ministers and no less than 17 opposition leaders have come and gone, for 60 years you have been a presence in our national story and given the vagaries of public life, I’m confident that this will not be the final tally of the politicians that you have outlasted.

The reason she has outlasted that many real leaders is because nobody votes for her – she’s there coz her daddy was king.

In fact, the Crown is probably the oldest continuing institution in Western civilisation, after the papacy.

Luckily the Queen hasn’t been around for that long.  I don’t think you can give credit to either Her Maj with the Vag or even the German pope for what has come before

The Crown which we inherited in 1788 has evolved as our country has grown.

But the two have never been connected, the crown has changed because England changed, not because of white settlement in far flung Australia

Once, the Crown in Australia was personified by an Englishman representing the British government.

Oh that’s right, our Governor General has a vag just like her Mag.

Today, the Governor-General is always a distinguished Australian who is a representative of the people above and beyond politics.

Oh yes, Peter Hollingworth  and John Kerr are right up there with the most distinguished Australians, above and beyond politics.

The Crown has been a symbol of stability and continuity because it has adapted to the changing times. Australians have rejected some change because they feared that it might not be real progress; but we would welcome other change, such as the proposal to end discrimination against women in the line of succession and to allow marriage to Catholics, because it is a sign that ancient institutions need not be anachronisms.

So suddenly Tony sees some value in women being allowed to be queen, or to allow the defender of the faith of the Church of England be a catholic.  I reckon most Australian’s don’t give a flying fuck. The next step for the monarchy is to abolish it, disburse the funds to the country and only allow elected people into positions of public office, we don’t need the crazy institution that puts anyone above us.

The monarchy is an expression of Burke’s lovely concept of institutions as compacts between those who are living, those who are dead and those who are yet to be born. Previous generations, after all, weren’t wrong about everything. This generation doesn’t have a monopoly on wisdom and insight. We should keep the faith with our forbears just as our descendants should keep faith with us and just as you pledged, your Majesty, on ascending the throne.

Oh right, so we shouldn’t change anything, let’s go back to slavery, treating indigenous people as fauna and hanging people.  Let’s return to the days when we were taxed just to keep the King or Queen in comfort.  I miss the good old days of titles in Australia, when we had Lords and Sirs all around.

Your own life has been an exemplar of the ideals of duty and service that make societies strong and civilisations last.

It’s her job Tony, why would she want to give it up, she’s the bleeding queen and all.

When you observed, after the destruction of the Twin Towers in New York, that “grief is the price we pay for love”, you spoke not for England and not for Australia but for the world.

She did no such thing. She’s just a fucking woman who is immensely rich and somebody else writes her crap.  Sure, she may have empathy, but she doesn’t speak for me, at all.

Although the office is bigger than any individual, the monarchy can indeed wax or wane on the character of incumbents.

Are you suggesting that Charles might not be a good king?

To your Royal Highness, Prince Philip, may I say that you have brought humanity and irreverence to what might otherwise be a stuffy institution.

It’s because he’s the stuffy consort to her Maj with the Vag that we even tolerate his idiotic and rude words.  Anyone else would get the sack.

When introduced to Cate Blanchett as someone who works in movies, you asked her whether she could help to fix the palace DVD. Only locals are allowed to joke about our Cate so that makes you at least an honorary Australian.

This is some attempt at humour?  Perhaps you should get a new speech writer Rabbit – oh, wait, you did it yourself? Honorary Australian – I don’t think we need his type.

 When I read, your Majesty, that this was expected to be your last Australian tour, I was reminded of an interview that Archbishop Mannix did on the occasion of his 96th birthday. At its close, the youthful reporter said that he hoped to do the same interview again next year. “I don’t see why not” said the prelate, “you look healthy enough to me”.

Sucking up to the ladies are you Tony, suggesting that Her Maj with the Vag has a few more years in her yet?

At the close of his best volume of memoirs, Clive James wrote: “as I type this last paragraph, it’s raining in the city of London. Below me in the street, the umbrellas are commiserating with one another. But twelve thousand miles away and ten hours from now, the yachts will be racing on Sydney Harbour under a sky of powdered sapphire on a sea of crushed diamond. The birthplace of the fortunate sends out its invisible waves of recollection. It always does and it always will until the last of us come home”.

Did anyone check your work at all?  You could have saved at least 3 breathes there, thereby reducing the CO2 in the atmosphere.

Your Majesty, you have taken such obvious pleasure in your visits to this country and that pleasure is amply reciprocated by the Australian people amongst whom you will always be welcome. It is not necessary to live permanently in Australia well and truly to belong here. You are one of us.

Of course it’s a pleasure, although having to suffer through that speech was no doubt one of the low-lights.  She’s on a good wicket, gets to travel the world in luxury, gets to shake hands with poor people and still tuck into a decent meal. I take no pleasure in this woman being here, I don’t welcome her at all.  I’m glad she lives in England, that’s where she should stay.  Just coz her head is on the coins, doesn’t make her one of us.



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