John Paul II to be beatified in May


Oh the PR machine has kicked in big time at the Catholic Churchâ„¢.  It’s busy hanging it on the gays whenever it can1, telling priests not to report pedophiles2 and worried about hepatitis on it’s holy bread3, what it needs is a boost, something that’ll make the faithful feel connected, a feel good story.  Oh, I know, that old pope that died recently – let’s make him a saint!

Now, as we know from our recent experience with MFM4the whole making a saint thing of dead people brings lots of money, lots of media and lots of alpacas out who then think more about god and give money to the church.

It’s a process to become a saint, let me again go over the key criteria if you’re thinking of applying for the job:

He looks pretty dead

  1. You’re not allowed to want to be a saint
  2. You have to be dead
  3. You have to perform a miracle when you’re dead
  4. You have to be beatified after that miracle
  5. You have to perform another miracle after the first
  6. The pope needs to divert attention away from scandals

Before you get to number two, you have to do stuff when you are alive.  Notably, give yourself to god, be a devoted catholic, do good things.

Of course your whole life will be investigated to see if you really are holy and did it by the book.

So, John Paul II is dead, and he’s performed his first miracle.  Some French nun

Marie Simon-Pierre was miraculously cured of Parkinson’s disease through the intercession of John Paul II, who also suffered from Parkinson’s.

So, the old pope responded to the prayers of the other nuns and cured this biddy of her Parkinson’s disease.  Lovely.  My old mum has it, could you do a job on her?  It seems that about 6 million people world wide have the disease5 He’s going to have his work cut out for him, being dead and all.  I wonder if he has to actually touch each of them to cure them.  Perhaps the sick just have to say his name and they’re cured.  I suggest the vatican prints a little prayer on plastic cards and sends them priority post to everyone who’s sick.

Now that would be a miracle.  Everyone in the world cured of Parkinson’s disease.

I don’t know if or how the old nun got better.  But just because we don’t know, doesn’t mean that some stale old homophobic dead man did anything.  There are so many possibilities, she was never sick, she was misdiagnosed, she’s not better, aliens cured her, she had sex.

The church needs to make this old dead pope a saint, it will bring them fame and fortune, pilgrims will flock to see him, well his grave, there will be much adulation and all those bishops and cardinals will wet themselves with excitement.  They’ll be doing wet farts of glee.

So, let’s get this straight, again… dead people don’t do anything but rot (and they don’t even do that, it’s a natural process that requires no action on the part of the rotting person).  Dead people don’t talk to god, they’re dead and there is no god.  Dead people don’t perform miracles or hear you mutter their name, they’re dead.

Let the circus begin!

In a related story, a vial of his blood will be placed in an altar at a new church in Poland.  It seems that he had blood taken, quite deliberately, before he died.  It’s known as a relic and in the olden days relics would perform miracles too … standby for action!!!

  1. Recently the bendydick told the world that gay marriage penalises families SOURCE
  2. A letter recently came to light that instructed Irish Bishops not to report pedophiles to the police SOURCE
  3. Some of the faithful contracted hepatitis after eating infected hosts at church SOURCE
  4. Mary Fucking Mackillop – I wrote a lot about her – check out the articles
  5. That’s in 2006 – but hey, I’m sure it’s still lots! SOURCE
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